bittersweeeeet

just when i told myself no more airports, no more farewells already; i get to know another favourite cousin is flying off on the fourteenth. i am so excited for him, for whatever adventure and knowledge that awaits him there. the past august saw a lot of people that i know and love going overseas.

i think usually part of the reason that it is so sad is cause everytime i send somebody off, i feel like i'm being left behind (and quite literally too). i am thankful right now with whatever life has to offer for me here, but often it feels so suffocating.

i. cannot. breathe.

the school system here is vigorous. or maybe it is not, maybe i'm just finding excues to not do well. really, my creative juice is drying. (i want to do something i like already!) and i cannot imagine how job hunting for me would be next year, with what the economic crisis. of course i pray that it'll be better next year but you know anything can happen. i'm not saying life overseas will be smooth sailing and sweet smelling, i think i just need a little change. i don't mind going away for work or school, it doesn't matter. even for holiday maybe. i talked so much of going somewhere, anywhere, all the time that people around me probably get sick hearing (hehe sorry :D) i have never ever experience studying abroad. the longest i've been overseas was two weeks or so. i only hear and read about people's experiences and always in awe. when do i get to have stories of my own too! i love travel. i am hungry (roaaaaar) for stories of some sort. (which reminds me, i have some pictures posted on my flickr from my short ulu langat trip.)

click picture for a bigger view. i put together four pictures any-o-how.

the thing about sending people off at the airport is you have to be prepared. in the case of like the picture above, being prepared of crowds. and be mentally prepared of course, so you don't get hysterical infront of the said crowds. it can get quite embarrasing.

and when you see people crying and hugging, it's just... i don't know. the hair at the back of my neck usually stands. a rush of emotions just pulled whatever energy i have left. then i don't hold them tears back at just let it flow. it's just much much easier. but it is draining and tiring, crying is. i cannot quite figure out what my mind is doing when i cry, what it is (i was) thinking.

yesterday i went to the airport three freaking time. i was so pro with sending people off already, no more crying. nah, not exactly. i didn't know the people well enough that's why. but that's not really true either. most of the time i can't help it... i mean when you see a mother hugging her son, closing her eyes and then her tears start to wet her cheeks... the image just reflects emotion that is just so so real and raw. you can just feel it, you know. it's like the most basic connection of all, a mother and child. so to see the two part is very wrecking. parting is such sweet sorrow.

that is why, i talk to my mum about going overseas every possible opportunity i have (hehe). i want to get her prepared, see. but she probably don't mind anyway, my mum has two other daughters. nothing to loose really.

yesterday i had visitors too. my aunts and uncle came and we were finding words to write on a birthday card to be passed to my cousin in egypt via my sister's friend who was flying off. it's funny i feel cos these are the kind of things we wouldn't normally do. who sends cards anymore? (well, i do, but not as frequent) i love whatever it is now, being distant, in a way, no matter how weird it sounds. only recently i've added loads of my cousins on my msn, i write to them, i send them cards, i think about them more. when you think about them more, you pray for them more. so that's always great. even when you're in the same place, we're all so occupied with our own little lives, we barely get to see each other anyway.

so yeah, my cousin will turned 21 soon. so we prepared cards and cookies for him. i got a little teary eyed reading his mum's message. she really chooses her words well.

of all the things, he wanted 3ply packet tissues, isn't that the weirdest request? anyway, we called him and passed around the phone and i went online and tried to make a video call. everyone, let's start using skype. msn for mac sucks.

the first is us in spore. second is my cousin; my uncle kept insisting he turn on another light because initially we couldn't see him. and yeah that's faritz in the last one. my cousin, he and others were having a study group or something. (:

going to the airport is not all teary, sad and mushy. it can be quite fun too. infact, it is almost always fun for me. the "camping" at the airport and all that. and sending people off means meeting the other people; those people that i know but rarely see. like seeing them once in a few years, that kinda rare. like yesterday, i saw my high school classmate for the first time in nearly 3 years. i am only nineteen years young, so three years is quite a long time.

and of course, there's the post-send off treat... just to be around with family and friends are great. with farewells, you appreciate each others company more.

(:

my eid

of course if what my dear 'alima wrote in her blog about her first eid in syam is any likely to be true (pffft :p) then in a million years can my eid in singapore ever beat hers! nay not jealous... just SUPER jealous. i'm going to spend my ramadhan and eid with y'all there next year, so stay put okay!

***

routine visit to both grandparents home, but this year i didn't even used up a single memory card! anybody who knows me well would know i never ever delete and almost always take picture multiburstly. so this is major! i'm quite surprised myself. fat chance with the film camera. i think i was just not in the mood :|

however, i do have some photos to share:

bapak was so worried (for lack of better word) that my uncle would dirty his white baju kurung, so he suggested the apron! hilarious.

a lot of laughter basically.

and my super awesome cousins who cannot make the day any less joyous.

gotta help each other look pretty y'know.

that's bapak and that was my cheeky cousin's hand with the money packets. i NEVER have good portrait shots of myself. it is either blurry or my sis trying to be funny, like this one, she cropped half of my face.

big boy muhammad getting ready to visit his other grandparents'.

and of course, the must have family shots.

and this one is of my relatives from malaysia. i never put my hand up for journey prayers..! my uncle was leading the prayers i think. i so admire this!

comfort zone

thank you wano for the last two pics (: (eh my hands look huge kan!)

shamelessly i admit i'm really lovin' the black and white and muted editings. perhaps i'll take out my film camera for the upcoming eid. i must make a mental reminder to get some expired films. and i wanna try holga and lomo and medium format! sigh. and i really wanna try using leica. guy berryman makes it look so hot. and nikon's d90, woah super tempting. check this out too. back on planet earth, i'm just saving for 50mm portrait lens :(

but most of all, i'm really excited about the tutu shoot. so first, i should probably pick up the tutu! i trust the make up will be in good hands, rockstar? so that's checked. now... i need assistant, any takers?

***
sorry i sidetracked a little. i actually wanted to say how much i enjoyed meeting up with you all (probably the only three-four girls who frequent my site; alims you were with us albeit only through our hearing sense! ;p). i can't believe i don't know how to operate my handphone for loud speaker!! one cannot get any sillier right? but maybe it was a good thing, else the whole place would talk to you too. i can tell you were smiling ear to ear anyways. hope the entrance test went well and hope that less than 7min phonecall cheer your day (:

i really wanted to remember all of shaz's jokes! half of what's left of my secondary school memories are those concerning the nightmarish system and being insanely scared for physics. i can get rather pessimistic these days. i can't believe i forgot about being a part of a (successful) plan to wake a certain sleepyhead in class, and man am i proud of how ungossipy i was back then or what! ;) having said that though, i can't believe i didn't know about the faisol joke before! seriously! i feel so sorry to have the funniest joke at the expense of others but its nice to know our sense of humor is still the same. sort of. haha.

it is always so much fun to see how much we have grown, i mean eventhough we haven't really change much in the maturity area. but what's the rush right? lol. really... artsy fartsy eel, rockstar shaz (complete with the attitude), The Content Dya and wano with the new bf (did i just typed that??) (:

i don't think i can really express how much you girls mean to me, and how very well i wish you all. shaz, don't skip school please. i'm trying to do the same too. a bad attempt, but an attempt nevertheless. it is improving, if you must know! hehe.